I sit here at my laptop at 4:37am, having spent the past four hours doing basically nothing important on my phone. Facebook, games, bullshit nonsense designed to waste time and dull my brain so I could escape the anxiety and fall into sleep. Why anxiety, with a dose of depression and self-doubt to go with it? Because I knew I had not done enough that day, had gotten caught up in some project that seemed vital in the moment, but it had nothing to do with what was important, and even made the important more difficult to acheive.
And the minutes ticked by, and I wasted more time, and felt, oddly, MORE awake. I played a game, and it dulled some part of my brain enough that the demons of self-doubt and self-loathing were dulled, and an inner voice that had confidence in me, believed in me, LOVED me, said, essentially:
“What the FUCK are you doing?!”
Um. This is my positive inner voice? It continued:
“You are awesome, and you’ve always been awesome. You are chock full of creative ideas. Stop pissing time away waiting to bud, waiting for some magical combination of sun and rain and fertilizer and magic pixie dust. Get your ass out of bed and go CREATE things!”
I got permission to pee first – I am still a middle aged woman – and caught up in this desire to shed the nonsense, I went through my phone and deleted all the games, then other bullshit timewasters, and then, finally… I deleted the Facebook app. My biggest time waster of all.
So, here I am, getting this all out of my head so I can make stuff. It’s time to be fabulous.
(I originally posted this on Facebook. I recognize the irony of posting this there, but I figured friends would want to know why they were seeing less of me. I even deleted my laptop browser bookmark and turned off notifications.)